The Failure Fairy Tales
by Enaty
Summary: It is the ultimate test. The ultimate test if his grandson has been faithful to their goals... Sofu is willing to take that test.
1. Rumpelstiltskin

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa -.- I've been absent for so long I don't even know if someone's gonna remember me. Sorry for that, guys. Life can be a bitch.

Having said that, please enjoy the following piece and rest assured that I'm working again, so there's some to come ^^

Enaty

**Title**: Rumpelstiltskin

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: T

**Warning: **slightly AU, spoiler for Volume 10

**Disclaimer**: Yes! More than just PSoH isn't mine! The fairy tale of course belongs to the Brothers Grimm. My pleasure, boys.

**Claimer**: I claim the idea for myself.

**Author's Notes**: After I did "Hansel & Gretel" for the Technical Incompatibility series, I was asked by Elvina whether I would write Snow White next. No, I won't. But I wrote this instead.

* * *

_Rumpelstilzchen_

"Daniel."

"No."

"David."

"No, Officer."

"Well, you've gotta have a name other than Count D! So just spit it and tell me!"

D turned and glared at the young man following him. "Why would you want to know, Officer? It's none of your business what my name is."

Leon grinned and stopped too, ignoring the exasperated looks that got him from other citizens of Chinatown. In fact, he even drew more attention by waving around a slip of paper. "Yeah, maybe, but, you know, I've gotta write your actual name on the warrant. And you yourself told me Count D's not your real name, so I'm trying to find out what it is."

D turned away from him with a look of exasperation on his face and continued making his way to the nearest bakery. Gods knew he needed sugar now.

* * *

"Okay, so is it a Chinese name? I don't know any Chinese names..."

"Which is such a blessing!" D snapped and briskly set his cup down to produce a hand fan from out of his sleeve, an action which made Leon roll his eyes.

"You are such a girl, really. Hey, I've got it! Desdemonda!"

A vein began to pulse on D's forehead. "Officer..." he gritted through his teeth, the warning clear in his voice. But Leon continued to fantasise; or perhaps he just liked annoying the hell out of D with this. There wasn't much else he could do to aggravate the pet shop owner, but his name had proven to be a sure way to make him lose him calm.

"Or perhaps it's not Desdemonda, but Daisy? A plant? Would fit, too, with you being all crazy for that green stuff... but you wouldn't be allowed to eat it if you were one yourself, would you?" He chuckled at his terrible joke, and then laughed even louder as D's teacup took flight. Luckily Leon had only been waiting for that to happen and managed to evade both the hand fan and his own teacup as he fled from the shop, calling "Princess Diana" back to D.

* * *

Leon was, of course, back the next day. "Hey, Dagobert," he said by way of greeting, and D's patience was finally worn thin.

"Who has ever told you that my name has to start with the letter D, I wonder," he snapped, glaring at the human. "It could start with any other letter; it might even start with a letter not common to the Latin alphabet, have you ever thought about that? Only because this shop's name is Count D does not necessarily mean my name starts with a D, too."

Leon relented easily to that suggestion. "Oh, I've thought 'bout that," he grinned and slumped down on the sofa. "But, you know, one's gotta start somewhere. I was going to start with E once I'm through with all D-names I can think of."

D's look was one of pure desperation.

* * *

Some weeks of silence followed that little event. Apparently Leon had grown tired of aggravating D with stupid names, and the kami was more thankful for that than he'd ever known he could be.

Then, out of the blue while they were having tea, Leon said: "Rumpelstiltskin."

D, standing at the tea-cart, froze, blinked a few times and then turned around, a threatening look on his face. Leon smiled at him innocently. "Wrong reaction, D. You should stomp one of your legs into the ground and then rip yourself in half."

D closed his eyes, took a deep breath, another, and a third. In fact, he didn't stop taking deep breaths until he'd counted to two hundred and thirty-five in his head, all the while Leon chuckled and seemed to be greatly amused.

Then he opened his eyes again and said, "Officer, although I have to admit that I am surprised by your knowledge of fairy tales, I have to tell you that if you ever – _ever_ – start guessing my name again, I will permit T-chan to eat you."

Leon was still laughing quietly to himself, and his blue eyes sparkled merrily as he conceded. "Okay – Rumpelstiltskin."

And this time, the whole tea set was broken on his head.

* * *

However, the kami got used to Leon calling him thus; at least the name was one that wasn't completely unfitting, he consoled himself, although Leon of course couldn't know that. That didn't make it any less embarrassing when Leon caught up to him in the street, loudly calling for "Rumpelstiltskin", but he learned to deal with it, as he had learned to deal with all the other aggravating traits the officer had.

He never expected that this nickname would come in handy one day, but when Agent Howell handed him the warrant, proud and arrogant and self-assured, D couldn't help but laugh out loud. Although he tried to hide it behind his hand fan, the baffled, angry look on Howell's face, Leon's innocent-looking blue eyes – it was just too much.

"I am very sorry for having to disappoint you, Agent Howell," D said finally, wiping away a small tear and handing the warrant back to the FBI-agent. "But, as you surely know, you need a warrant with my real name on it. And, unfortunately, "Count Rumpelstiltskin D" is not amongst the choices."

-End-

* * *

**Author's Notes**: I don't have the slightest clue if a warrant really has to be issued with the true name of a person. But otherwise this wouldn't have worked, so just take it as I've written it, please ;-)


	2. Frog King

**Title**: Frog King

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: Neither of the fairy tales belongs to me.

**Claimer**: The idea does, and I'd like to have the frog, please ^^

**Author's Notes**: And on does the fairy tale madness go...

* * *

_Frog King_

"D, tell me again, why did we have to come here?" Leon was pouting; you could hear it in his voice as he tried to get through the thick undergrowth, following the kami.

"Because a poor animal will soon be mistreated here, and we cannot let that happen!" D answered fiercely, striding through the bushes with determination.

"It's a fairy tale, D," Leon tried to remind the kami, but it was no use.

"I do not care! No wonder humanity treats animals so badly if they learn from childhood on that they must be mistreated."

Leon rolled his eyes but his response was cut off by a cry. "No, you vile beast, leave me alone! I do not want you in my bed!"

"Hurry!" D cried out as well as they stumbled through the last bushes and onto the lawn in front of a little pavilion. Inside was a beautiful princess, standing with her bedclothes clutched to her chest and staring at something in front of her with disgust.

D was quicker than Leon, and, with a mighty cry of, "Don't you dare do that!" he jumped into the room just as the princess took ahold of the frog and threw him against the wall. Seeking to shield him with his body, D threw himself in the way...

A colourful explosion followed suit. Both Leon and the princess ducked before daring to remove their hands from their faces again and look at the floor.

A prince was sitting there, clad in blue-green robes, blonde hair welling down his back, framing a beautiful face – which, at the moment, was creased in confusion at the sight of a frog sitting beside him, showing colourful red and green skin with a pattern of white flowers.

"Who is he?" the prince asked, bewildered. Leon and the princess still stared. They really were in no condition to answer his question, especially since they didn't know the answer either. The frog started and sat up on his hind legs, looking at his hands. If ever a frog had looked horrified, it was this one.

"No!" he cried, "My nails! My body! What have you done to me, you vile beast?"

"Uh... Count D? Is that you?" Leon asked carefully, snapping the frog out of his hysterics. His tongue shot out as if to catch Leon like a fly.

"Officer! Thank god I brought you along. Quick, you have to kiss me to reverse this curse."

Leon went slightly green. "Are you nuts? No way, dude! I'll just throw you against the wall, that worked, too..."

"Don't you dare!" the frog exploded right into his face – literally, for he jumped so high that Leon was actually eye-level with him and stumbled back in horror. "I will make your life a living misery should you even consider throwing me against a wall! Now stop fussing around and just kiss me, we both know you've wanted to do this forever, and now you've got the chance, so just do it, you stupid American blockhead!"

"No! I'll not kiss a frog!" Leon cried out in despair and hurriedly left the pavilion again, running away from the frog who was following him quite fast, screaming at him.

Prince and Princess were left standing in the pavilion, watching their disappearance. Finally, they looked at each other. "American blockhead?" she echoed.

"Count D?" the prince replied.

"Officer?" the princess said. They looked at each other for a moment, then shrugged simultaneously and started to laugh.

"You know what?" the prince mused as he put his arms around his princess. "I've been a frog for almost one hundred years now – but I've never met another frog who claimed a kiss that aggressively!"

-End-

* * *

A/N, i.e. Answers To Reviews:

marimorimo: Thank you ^^ Glad you liked it.

OokamiMori: Yes, it seems I am ^^ Thank you very much for the patience.

J Luc Pitard: I really like your name xD And thank you, too. Well, the other choice the Count would have had would have been crying... and I don't really think he wanted to in that moment xD

Elvina: Hey yo ^^ Yes, at least I'm hoping to update again soon. It's all a question of how soon I'm getting to do the edits... Thanks for the patience, too ;-)


	3. Little Red Riding Hood

**Title**: Little Red Riding Hood

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer**: Both fairy tales.

**Claimer**: All nonsense is mine.

**Author's Notes**: I wonder when I'll be through with all the Brothers Grimm fairy tales...

* * *

_Little Red Riding Hood_

There could be no doubt about the fact that the little girl was more than confused.

"But, Grandmother, why are your hands so... strange? They almost look like... paws!"

The grandmother adjusted her veil and chirped her answer. "Oh, dear, don't worry, those are just gloves. You know, I need to be kept warm."

"Oh," the girl said and looked at her grandmother again. "But, Grandmother, why do you have so much fur?"

"Oh, dear, that's not me, that's just a rug I wrapped around myself to be warm." The grandmother sounded less chirping this time, more like annoyed. "Any other questions, darling?"

The little girl's lip quivered. "But, Grandmother, why are you..." She stopped talking and stared at her grandmother. "Grandmother, are those horns? Have you grown horns?"

"Argh, damn little girl!" the grandmother screamed, throwing away her veil and jumping out of the bed onto the small girl, who shrieked in fear.

Much to both's surprise, the door slammed into the wall forcefully, and a figure not at all common to this fairy tale stood in it. "Tetsu! How dare you extend your hunting grounds to European fairy tales! Aren't our Chinese ones enough for you?" the Chinese man standing in the door scolded, obviously enraged. Little Red Riding Hood stopped shrieking and craned her neck to be able to look at him.

"Who are you?" she asked. "Are you the hunter? You aren't supposed to turn up before I'm eaten."

The Chinese came inside and shook his head while he went past them to the kitchen door. "No, dear, I am not a hunter, I am Count D, and the wolf is probably locked in here. Poor dear, being handled like this just because my bad T-chan couldn't get a grip on himself!" he cooed to the bundle of wolf lying in the kitchen. The totetsu had meanwhile gotten down from the girl and was now grumpily scratching his ear.

"Yeah, fine, Count, can we leave now that you've ruined my lunch?" he complained and was favoured with a glare from the mysterious Count.

"You behave, Tetsu! I am not yet done with you. Pray excuse my interruption. I assure you I shall take better care of him in the future." The Count bowed formally to both fairy tale creatures and then left, the grumbling totetsu in tow. Little Red Riding Hood and the wolf looked at each other.

"So... up to where have you come?" the wolf asked, and Little Red Riding Hood stretched out on the floor obligingly.

"Up to where you swallow me in one piece," she replied. "And please, be careful, I got my curls done only this morning."

"Okay," the wolf agreed and jumped on her.

Count D and T-chan heard the shriek from outside the little house and the Count tutted, clearly displeased. "See, Tetsu, that's what comes out of meddling with fairy tales other than your own," he chided.

His pet gave him a sour look. "Yeah, you're the right one to talk, Count. Who was a frog the whole last week because he thought he had to rescue the Frog King from being thrown against the wall?"

"That is beside the point," the Count replied, blushing a light red. But something had obviously occurred to Tetsu now, since he stopped and gazed at his master.

"Anyway, since when are you you again? When I left the shop this morning, you were still a frog. Did I miss something in the meantime?"

"Not at all," the kami replied stiffly, blushing deeper now. T-chan showed off all his sharp teeth in a wolfish grin.

"A-ha, got you, Count! So, what did he do? Throw you at the wall or kiss you? Did he finally kiss you? What happened afterwards? Did you stop after the kiss?"

"Tetsu!" the Count screamed in displeasure, but was cut off by a young man in hunter's clothes.

"Uh, excuse me... is the Grandmother's house in this direction?" His gaze wandered in confusion from the richly dressed stranger to his strange sheep-like dog.

"Yes, it is, and you had better hurry, as both should have been eaten by now," the stranger replied indignantly and resumed scolding his dog as soon as the hunter had said his thanks and continued on his way, shaking his head in wonder.

"Y'wouldn't believe what kind of people get into fairy tales nowadays!"

-End-

* * *

A/N: Yes, I finally got around to doing something new for this series ^^ Thank you, everybody, for your reviews :-)


	4. The Unicorn Test

**Title**: The Unicorn Test

**Series**: The Failure Fairy Tales

**Author**: Enaty

**Rating**: K

**Warning**: None, really. Hints at slash-sex?

**Disclaimer**: Count D (either of them), PSoH. The unicorns?

**Claimer**: Everything else.

**Author's** **Notes**: I haven't uploaded anything for PSoH in so long I can hardly believe it. Just to be quite clear, this is also due to a sad lack of a beta. If you find errors in here, _any of them,_ please tell me so.

_The Unicorn Test_

"So, do we have an agreement?"

T-chan looked at each of the conspirators, huddled together in a little cave. They all nodded and he set his chin. "Then start mission _Protect the Count from Grandfather Count!"_

Howling like wolves, Ten-chan, the dragon, Pon-chan and Chris took off towards Sofu D, striding to his grandson. D for his part looked like he was trying to find some excuse for not waiting for his grandfather.

He didn't seem to be very annoyed when the little group dragged Sofu away. He rather looked... somewhat relieved.

* * *

After a few days, Sofu had become rather suspicious. Not that he _really_ thought his grandson had done such a terrible thing, but... one could never be sure. Not with that detective hanging around the shop, talking to the youngest Count all the time.

Still – he had learned that one was to make sure. Better safe than sorry. Sometimes even humans were right. And the behaviour the other inhabitants of the shop were exhibiting, including Christopher, well, it didn't do anything to diminish his fears.

If only he could somehow get his grandson to go to that special room with him... but he seemed very reluctant to even step close to that particular door...

Well, one could say that Sofu D was worried. Rather worried. And it seemed like he had every reason to.

* * *

He had known that his patience would finally pay out. Triumphantly Sofu led his grandson towards the little meadow where the beautiful white creatures were grazing peacefully. Although somewhat hesitant, his grandson followed without any signs of dislike – which already did a lot to calm Sofu's fears. Still, he had to double-check...

"Dear Grandson, would you be kind enough to take a look at Sapphire, she seemed a little off lately. I would like to hear your opinion," he said sweetly, pointing at one of the silvery unicorns, which was looking up at them right now. The younger Count smiled, a little forced.

"Of course, Grandfather, if you want me to..."

Sofu didn't even listen to what he was saying while he was carefully examining the unicorn, which, of course, wasn't sick at all. And had never been. He had only been in need of an excuse to force his grandson to actually _touch_ one of the fairy creatures.

Because, as everybody who knew a little about fairy creatures could tell, unicorns were special even amongst the fairy creatures. They were picky with their company. And they would _never_ permit anyone but a virgin to touch them...

But Sapphire was even softly snuffling at his grandson's face, blowing her warm breath at him and making his hair move. Sofu could have cried with joy! He had been right! Thank the gods, his grandson hadn't fallen for that detective!

Floating approximately five feet above the earth, he softly waved at the unicorns and his grandson before hovering away to take care of his other duties.

* * *

D let out a deep sigh as soon as his grandfather was out of sight and took a quick step away from Sapphire, bowing deeply to the unicorn. "Sapphire, my deepest and heartfelt thanks! I simply cannot express my gratitude for your willingness to help me out!"

The unicorn sneezed. About ten times. Sniffling, she answered. "Count, there is nothing you have to thank me for. As you know, I would do everything Christopher asks me for... Please, would you mind moving a little farther away? My allergy might not be as bad as the other's, but I do still have it, you know..."

"Certainly!" Quickly D stepped away, bowing again, his cheeks slightly suffused with colour. The unicorn neighed, sounding quite amused. "So, but tell me at least one thing, dear Count – was your Detective at least worth giving me an allergic reaction?"

-End-

**Author's Notes**: So, if anyone out there still remembers me from like an eternity ago, you're welcome to say so... and everybody else is welcome to say hello, too :-) I also apologise for strange-sounding English, I haven't written in English in a while now...


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